LiMBO Love in My Box Outtakes
by cosmoandmarvar
Summary: Selected Outtakes from Love in My Box.
1. Chapter 1

A/N

**Marvar:** So, the Twinklings wanted us to write some smut.

**Cosmogirl7481:** Yes, and Fuck Me Fridays sounded like something I would really enjoy. I also enjoy Fuck Me Sundays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays.

**Marvar:** I signed up for Chaste Wednesdays, but no one read.

**Cosmogirl7481:** Well, that's not true. Chaste Wednesdays is huge in the Amish Fanfiction community. They really loved the one you did about Emmett, Rose and the barn...raising.

**Marvar:** Maybe that's why I didn't get any reviews. They couldn't use the computers.

**Cosmogirl7481:** Well, they might not have left reviews, but hand-delivered letters telling you to update soon are so much more personal.

**Marvar:** And the flamers didn't have any curse words, so that was refreshing.

**Marvar/Note:** We are joking about the Amish (and Hooters waitresses). I really loved the movie Witness.

**Cosmogirl7481/Note:** I really love chicken wings and Harrison Ford. (No joke.)

LiMB Outtake: This takes place the night of the Hooters outing.

Re: A Boy's Dream

**EPOV**

"_Touch your lips just so I know. . .In your eyes, love, it glows so. . .I'm bare-boned and crazy for you. . .When you come crash. . .into me, baby. . ."_

It's her.

I know by the distinctive song she programmed into my phone when she stayed with me last week. At first I was surprised, but once I listened to the lyrics, it became my favorite song. Mr. Matthews is quite a lyricist (Bella says he's a sex-god – by reputation of course – not personal experience).

"_And I come into you. . .In a boy's dream. . ."_

I try to stem the excitement I feel. In my groin. Ahh. I can't help it. That reaction to her is conditioned into me like she's Pavlov (or insert any other Behaviorist- I actually prefer the work of Skinner, but I digress). I scramble out of the shower, dripping all over the bathroom. Ugh. That's going to leave a mess. But I don't care too much because it's Bella. I almost punch a hole throughout the touch screen trying to answer. Yes, that's hyperbole, but merely for emphasis.

I'm rewarded with my name from her lips. I love that sound. It's only better when she moans it.

"Edward?"

"Bella? I was just, um, thinking about you," I say as I dry off. That's true, but the context might be objectionable. I was about to stroke myself in the shower as I thought about her incredible . . .

"Really? Good. Because I've been thinking about you all day. What were you thinking about?

"Your text messages." Well, mostly the pictures.

"Yeah? And what did you think about my text messages?"

"I think that I should be the one bringing you tiny panties to try on," I say, possessively. I'm reminded of that, that, douche bag sales guy. Thank you, Emmett for providing the proper epithet. "Ruffian" just wouldn't cut it.

I hear her sweet little giggle. "Well...I think that you should be the one taking my tiny panties off."

Christ. I cough, because thinking about taking off her panties is overwhelming my senses. I'm choking on my lascivious thoughts. I lay on my bed, still damp from my shower as I try to calm myself.

"Are you okay, Edward?" she asks, concerned.

"I'm having some difficulty with my breathing. Why do you say things like that to me?" I gasp. She really has no idea how every little word tempts me.

"Because I miss you...and well, I really miss being with you. You know...with no panties. . ."

Fucking christ. My inner monologue is filthy and blasphemous and I'm close to hyperventilating. Bella, it's all your fault.

"Bella, if I stop breathing, please call 911," I'm joking (because I'm actually breathing too deeply), but it never hurts to remind your loved ones of the proper emergency procedures.

"It's funny, Edward. You say that you might stop breathing, but your breathing sounds pretty loud to me," she teases.

"It's probably the paper bag. It magnifies the sound." It's actually a quite effective treatment. Lucky for me I keep one in my bedside table for such emergencies. I get myself under control and resume our conversation. I need to dry myself completely because I'm still damp and I know the dangers of chafing. I put on some boxers so my manhood is not hanging out all over.

I hope she wants to flirt with me a little more. "So, um, Bella. . . are you wearing them?" Please let her be.

"The panties? No."

"Oh. I'm sorry for being forward. It's just that . . . never mind," I'm a bit disappointed, but she's beautiful in anything.

"Edward...you're not being forward. I think it was me that was forward today. But since we're on the subject, I'm not wearing the panties because...well...well, I'm not wearing...anything."

The paper bag is a wad of recycled fibers in my fist. And I thought the little panties would be hot.

"You called me, naked?" I exclaim in disbelief. I have confirmed that she is the hottest woman on the planet. "Dear god." I contemplate bending over with my head between my knees to stem the lightheadedness.

"Yeah...I was...well, I mean...I was sort of hoping that...never mind."

"What? What were you hoping for?" I cry out, desperately wanting her to elaborate.

"I was hoping that we could discuss healthcare reform. What is your stance?" she teases.

"I've actually written an article for the University newspaper on that subject. Would you like me to send it to you?" I reply, joking with her. I really do have one (it was well-received), but I'm 90 percent sure she's being playful.

"Edward...do you remember, umm...the first time," her voice drops to a whisper, "you made me come?"

How can I forget?

"I think about that all the time. And every subsequent occurrence. It's running in a loop of my greatest accomplishments."

"When you think about it...wow - your greatest accomplishments? You just graduated from medical school. That has to be better than making me come." She sounds surprised. She shouldn't be.

"Nothing is better than that," I breathe. I think of her sounds, her face. . . My erection remembers, too. It's pointing toward her (well, west, but that's where she is).

"For me either. Nothing is better than when you make me come. Unless it's when I make you come." Her voice is low and breathy.

"I think I had to study hard for that, actually. It was more challenging than the MCATs." It was. I wanted her orgasm more.

"I think I appreciated all your academic efforts," she murmurs.

"You are my favorite subject, Bella. I want to, uh, study you more in depth." Did that sound like I was flirting? I hope she doesn't think I want to do a lab experiment.

"I think you know my body better than me now, Edward. Really, you do."

Thinking about her body again causes throbbing in my groin.

"So being an overachiever has served me well, huh?" I can't help but feel proud. At least my strict study habits have served me outside of academia. I smile at the thought of her reacting to my touch.

"No...I think it served _me_ well. Do you have any idea how good you made me feel...how good you make me feel?"

"No. Tell me." And please be graphic.

"Well...I mean, Edward...whenever you touched me...or kissed me...or you know...made love to me...God, it was amazing!" I can hear her panting and it's making me insane. "And all I have to do is think about it...the way you felt...and I feel...I get..." Her voice is needy. I reach into my briefs and grasp my length.

"Jesus. Are you touching yourself?" Please say yes. I want this. I stroke myself slowly, hoping. . .

"No...but I really fucking want to." Shit, so do I.

"What's stopping you?"

"I don't want to do it by myself...and I think that I'm the only one that's naked. Please, Edward...take your clothes off...be naked with me."

"Whatever you want Bella. . ." I slip off my briefs, my body begging me…

**BPOV**

I hear him moving and the sound of rustling fabric through the phone and I can't help but allow my mind to wonder back to the first time we did this. I was so nervous. So…just so sure and unsure about everything all at the same time. Sure that I wanted to connect with him like that…and unsure that he would even want to.

And now I know.

Now there is no uncertainty – he wants this just as much as me.

I whimper as I hear him settle back down into his bed and I know that he is there…naked and a wanting this…wanting me.

"Do you like when I'm naked?" he asks, his voice is so low and I close my eyes and visualize him.

"I want you to be naked all the time," I tell him. "And yeah...I love it."

I hear him exhale and just the sound of his breath in my ear is enough to make me come undone. It's almost like he's here, whispering in my ear.

"I'm ready."

"Edward?" I ask. "Do you know how wet I am?"

"I remember," he says. "Th-that's for me?"

"All of it...it's all for you." Because it is. My desire, my heart…my love. It all belongs to him. "Always, Edward...only you."

"I want it. All of it." His words are spoken softly with such genuineness and sincerity and I know that he's not just talking about this – this thing that we're doing – he's talking about me. Edward wants me. All of me.

And so I tell him, "It's yours."

"Ummmm…" he hums and the sound of it makes me tingle. Even my fucking hair is tingling. How is that possible? "Mmm. Yes."

God, I wonder what he's doing right now. Is he touching himself? I want to touch him. I want to be the one that makes him sound that way.

"Edward?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you know what I would do if I were there with you?"

"Please," he whispers roughly. "Tell me."

I can do this. This is so much different than before. _We are different_. He knows my body…knows what makes me feel good. And I know what makes him feel good, too. I slide my hand down and I begin to touch myself. Softly. I know that I could literally come just from the sound of his voice right now because a week without him has seemed so much longer than the week I spent with him.

"I would kiss you...I mean, really kiss you..." I tell him and I am so turned on as I feel how wet I really am as I whisper, "Your-your cock."

"Fuck," he groans. "Are you touching yourself?"

"Yes."

My breathing has sped up and I'm finding it hard to even hold on to the phone. Except that I have to because right now the phone is my only connection to him. I close my eyes and visualize that I'm there with him…in his room…on my knees.

"Touch yourself while you tell me how you're going to kiss my cock."

_Jesus Christ._

_He is the hottest man ever._

"Okay..." I whisper, trying to push back my nerves. He doesn't make me nervous, but I want to do this right…say the right things. I decided in that moment that I just have to let go because if I am self-conscious, he will be self-conscious. And there isn't a reason for that here…with us doing this. "I love the way you taste, Edward. I love the way you get so hard, but your skin...your skin is so soft and so, so sweet when I take you in my mouth."

"Bella, I- I'm stroking my cock right now. You make me so hard. I wish your mouth was on me . . ."

_Holy shit._

_Fuck, yes._

_He is really doing this with me_.

"I would be sucking you...licking you all up and down...and...fuck, I miss the way that felt," I pant, my fingers are sliding easily over my skin because I am like a fountain. Like a wet, spraying fountain. No, like a horny, fucking fountain that really needs Edward to maybe take a drink of my water…or fucking jump in and roll around all frolicking and shit. "How hard are you for me, baby?"

"Like diamond. That's a ten on Moh's hardness scale."

I think about his hard cock. And oh, god…just the how pretty it is and there's probably some liquid right on the tip that I could…

_Fuck._

"Are you...I mean, is it...is it leaking?"

"Bella, are _you_ wet for me? I love to touch you when you are so hot and wet and ready."

_Holy motherfucking shit._

My boyfriend, Dr. Edward-McSerious-Masen, is talking dirty to me. Not sweet…not proper. Fucking dirty! And I want to die or jump through the phone because he is definitely the hottest man to ever hold a phone and have phone sex with his girlfriend…with me. And now, I'm panting and moaning like the leaky whore that I am.

_And he fucking loves it._

"Yes, baby. . . your sounds . . ." he tells me, his voice low and breathy. I slide my middle finger over my clit and I cry out. "I know you're getting close."

"I am...oh, oh, god...I am..."

"Baby, touch that spot that drives you crazy. The one that makes you body arc toward me. My fingers are on you, in you…"

And this is what pushes me over the edge.

Because this – him – he always makes sure that when are together like this I go first. And I know it's because he still has issues with what happened the first time, but oh my god, I don't give a fuck because even then…he was still the most wonderful sex I'd ever had.

"Oh...oh...fuck...oh, god!" I scream, as my orgasm overtakes me and I say the only thing that comes to my mind. The only thing that matters in that moment. "Edward, I love you…I fucking love you!"

"That's it, baby," he tells me. "I love you, too. I love hearing you. . ."

My body is still shaking and just the sound of him saying the words…telling me that he loves me makes me feel like he is close. Even though he's so far away.

"Baby, please get here with me...you just made me come so hard, Edward," I tell him. Because he did and I know he wants to hear it. "You do this to me, Edward...only you."

"Yes, me. . .my hand. . .my mouth. . .my cock."

I'm full-on touching myself again at his words and I know that he could make me come again, but I need to do something…say something to get him there with me, too. Not even thinking about what I'm saying, I begin to talk to him some more.

Dirty words.

Ridiculously dirty and honest words.

"Please baby...I need to hear you come...I want to taste it...want to feel the way you get so hard right before...the way your body tenses...and then...and then...fuck...you taste so good."

"Oh god. . .yes. . .taste it. . . lick it. . ."

I can hear him panting and I know…he's almost there. And the thought of him coming sends me deliriously over the edge again as I press and squeeze against my hand.

"Oh, god...Edward...I'm coming again..."

"Oh, fuck yes!" he cries and then grunts as he finishes.

I whimper at the thought of what we've just done together…what he must look like all happy and hot and satisfied on his bed.

Fuck, I wish I was there.

"Oh, Edward...I love you so much...I miss you, baby."

The sound of his heavy breathing calms me now instead of exciting me.

"I need you, Bella," he murmurs. "I can't even tell you how much."

"I know, Edward...it's the same for me. It's always been the same for me," I say. "It's more now that I've been with you."

And it is. This time apart – even one week – has been so much harder than the months before I was with him.

"I guess we both know what we're missing."

"I never want to be away from you again."

And I don't.

I won't.

"You won't have to be without me," he tells me as if he can hear my thoughts. "I love you. You're…you're everything to me."

"You too, Edward," I whisper. "Everything."

A/N

Thank you to the lovely and pervtastic ladies at the Twinklings. We really enjoyed writing this and getting to share it on your blog.

Please check them out at: www (dot) thetwinklings (dot) blogspot (dot) com

We would both like to recc: _**The Cube**_** by Sdfreeze**

Cosmogirl7481: Seriously. This is the funniest thing I have read in ages! The whole cast of characters is priceless, but this Bella steals the show!

Marvar: I laughed my ass off. And I have a big ass!


	2. LiMB Futuretake

LiMB Future-take

EPOV

I wish this day was over. I've been on duty for almost 36 hours and I'm completely exhausted. I just want to go home and beat off in my shower like I do every night. I remember when I was horrified at the thought of "manual relief." Well, that was before I knew what it was like to have Bella in my life. But now. . . now I knew what I was missing, and it made everything ache because I couldn't be with her.

Even after all these years, I still think of her constantly. I'm lucky I can focus on more than one thing at a time or I would be facing some malpractice suits. I sigh loudly as I walk into my office. I only have two more patients today, no surgeries. I see a message from Emmett on my phone and I call him back while I take my break.

"Emmett. How was your vacation?" I ask, realizing I want the distraction instead of being actually interested my best friend's trip. I listen to him tell me about Rosalie and Ella and their trip to Hawaii. I think to the last time Bella and I went on a trip. It was our honeymoon. Three years ago. Fuck. I suck as a husband. She's given me everything and I can't even give her. . .

"Edward? Dick, are you even listening?" Emmett asks. I sigh as I am embarrassed by my actions. I know he can tell what I'm thinking because he asks me what wrong.

"Emmett, I'm sorry I'm being a 'dick,' as you so succinctly put it. I'm just, um -" I falter, not really wanting to explain that I'm horny as hell and I miss sex with my wife. That would be an overshare.

"Horny as fuck and need to get laid?" he responds with a laugh. I should know by now that he'd get to the crux of the problem instantly. He's always been very intuitive to my feelings. "Edward, you fail to understand that I was in this same exact situation three years ago. And Rosalie nearly chopped off my cock when she was in labor with Ella. I didn't even touch titty for six months. At least Bella lets you touch her," Emmett goes on with his colorful trip down memory lane. "Rosalie put me on sexbargo again while she was pregnant. You know how that worked out last time." He snorts loudly and continues, "And after Ella was born, she made me get snipped. Yeah, so that coupled with me seeing everything inside her - including my daughter - covered in bloody slime getting squeezed out of her stretched out -"

"Ok, Emmett. I grasp the concept. I don't want to hear about Rosalie's uh, intimate areas," I shudder. "Just tell me how you dealt with it." I had seen child birth before, but I really didn't want to visualize Rosalie like that at all.

"It was rough for a while. My right hand got quite a workout. But I waited until she was ready, and it was great, though I lost my shit in a coupla minutes. The doc you recommended hooked me up by sewing Rose up nice and tight so it wasn't like my unit was spelunking in a cavern."

I groan because Emmett is being, well, disgusting. . . which is quite an accomplishment because I'm a doctor and I've seen some gross stuff. "Emmett," I warn.

"Ok, getting to the point. Well, we got over all the awkwardness. Now I'm hittin' that - " I groan, louder this time. ". . .every night," Emmett continues. "Edward, Bella misses you just as much. Trust me. She loves you. You, you'd fucking die for her. . . I swear, it'll be fine, great even," he finishes softly. "It is for us. Which is why I wanted to talk to you. Remember a while back when I said I'd never let you see my cock? Well, I've reconsidered."

What on earth would make me touch his cock?

"I don't want to shoot blanks any more. Rosalie and I want another baby. Edward, I want you to reverse my vasectomy."

I almost drop my phone.

"I know that it's not a sure thing, but you are a perfectionist. That's why I trust you with my balls."

"That's, um, flattering?"

"Why yes, yes it is. You know Jasper is always trying to get one of his fucking rocks on them."

I groan at the thought of my brother-in-law.

"Oh, and Edward. . ."

"Yeah, Emmett?"

"Try to rub one out right now. You sound kinda tense, bro. Trust me. You will thank me later."

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BPOV

Do you know how hard it is to be married to the sexiest and most gorgeous man in the world and not be able to have sex with him? No? Of course not. Because that man is Edward and he is _my_ husband. And it has been five months since he has been inside me.

Fuck.

Five fucking months.

I should clarify that it has been five months since his perfect cock has been inside me. There were a couple of times there at the end of the pregnancy after I was put on bed rest that I thought I would die if I didn't find some sort of relief, and even though I'm sure that I was the least sexy woman in the world, Edward took care of me. And by taking care of me, I mean that he really fucking took care of me with his fingers that are also perfect...just like his cock.

So yeah, eight weeks ago I gave birth to identical twin boys. Identical to each other and also to their father. They look like miniature versions of him and I find that I can't stop staring at them. Heathcliff Charles and Benjamin Carlisle Masen. Heathcliff is of course named for my favorite Byronic hero from _Wuthering Heights_. Benjamin is named for Edward's favorite historical scientist, Benjamin Franklin. I wanted to call him Benji, but Edward told me that was a dog's name and insisted that he be called Benjamin or Ben if I truly felt the need to shorten it, also adding that no one had ever uttered the words "Benji Franklin."

Two months.

Two months is definitely enough time that I should be okay to leave them for a little without me.

I look down at Heath and he is smiling and I am filled with so much love and even more so when my mother walks in holding Benjamin. She came out after I had the babies to help me take care of them. Edward works such long hours that it really would have been impossible for me to do it on my own. I appreciate her help so much, but I would be lying if I said that I didn't miss the privacy that Edward and I shared before.

"Rose is here with Ella," she tells me. "So I'm going to leave now, okay?"

"Okay," I say, leaning down to kiss Heath on the check and trying not to tear up.

I walk over to her and place a kiss on Benjamin's cheek as well.

"They'll be fine, Bella," she says. "You're leaving for a couple of hours, not a couple of days."

"I know."

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When I walk into the living room, Rose is placing Ella on the couch.

"She fell asleep on the drive over."

"I really appreciate you doing this."

"Well fuck, Bella," she says in a hushed voice. "What was I going to say? No? You need to get laid and I have to tell you…this little plan of yours is hot as hell."

I blush at her words. I had to fill her in on my plan so that she would help me. I would have called Alice, but Edward would have worried that Jasper would come over with her and try to cleanse the auras of the twins…and my mother would let him. I giggle at the thought.

"You don't think he'll be upset?"

"I think his head will explode from excitement!" she says laughing. "And then I think his _other_ head will explode the moment he sees you naked again."

She winks at me and for the first time in so long I am excited. I am going to make love to my husband again. Fuck. I'm getting wet at the thought of it already.

"Don't expect some marathon sex the first time either," she says seriously. "I think Emmett lasted about two minutes the first time we fucked after Ella was born."

"Only two minutes?" I ask.

"Well, it _had_ been a _really_ long time for him," she laughs. "But trust me, Bella. You might come the moment he touches you. You have to be horny as a motherfucker. God knows I was."

_And I am._

"Thank you, Rose. You have no idea how much I appreciate this."

"No problem, sweetie. Now get the hell out of here. The next time I see you, I want you to be smiling and freshly fucked."

I almost laugh at her words.

Almost.

"I don't know how many times I have to tell you this, Rose, but Edward and I don't fuck."

"I know…_Jesus_, I know," she says, rolling her eyes. "_You make love_. Get over yourself, Bella. You're going to the hospital to surprise Edward with pussy. There will be no making love in a room where he could put your legs in stirrups. You will be fucking your husband. And it will be hot. Embrace it. Now, go before I start to get jealous."

"Thank you for doing this," I tell her again, hugging her. "I love you."

"You're welcome," she says. "And I love you too."

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EPOV

We work out some of the logistics of the surgery and I arrange for an appointment to consult with him. As I sat picking at my unappealing dinner, I think about my wife. She's my everything. I know I shouldn't be moping and lonely; we had read all of the childbirth books and we were prepared for the realities of parenthood.

Or so we thought. Bella was a sex goddess up to the seventh month when the doctor put her on bed rest, and then after. . . well, I mentioned that I'm practicing self-love, right? It was classic post-partum, but when I brought it up she nearly bit my head off. Well, not quite, but I do have a scar on my neck.

Being the perfect woman, she lost all of the baby weight immediately and her body is even more gorgeous. I mean her breasts are insane makes staying away impossible. Well, in my fantasies it's impossible. Too bad I live in reality.

Our boys are wonderful, but they require constant attention. I try to assist her as much as I can when I'm home and I have offered to hire a housekeeper and a nanny, but she wants to do everything herself. Renee has been a huge help, staying with us for the past month, but her proximity has not done wonders for our sex life. Well, at least Charlie isn't getting any either. Oh, to be in his gun closet again. Fuck, I'd settle for a hand job in the hallway.

There's just no time for us.

I miss us.

I love my sons more than life itself, but I need her. She is my life.

I'm desperate. Which is why my hand is on my cock in my office while I think about my naked wife straddling me on my chair. My hand doesn't do her justice, but it's all I have.

I'm almost there when my nurse, Tanya, knocks on the door. Fuck. I jerk sloppily into my handkerchief like a teenager caught by his mother.

"Hold on a moment, Tanya. I'm uh, finishing, er... dinner." I tuck myself back in my pants and open the door.

"Dr. Masen, your last appointment cancelled and your 5:00 is here early. Do you think I can go home, Doctor? Kate's planning a special dinner for us," she asks hopefully. Great. Even my nurse was getting laid tonight. My 60 year-old, lesbian nurse sees more action than I do.

I contemplate saying no, just to be an asshole. But she's the only nurse that is "Bella approved." All of the others bothered her for some reason. I found them to be very attentive and willing to work late with me. But I don't argue with Bella. She owns me - body and soul. Emmett says she has my balls in her purse, which is ridiculous because she likes them attached to my cock. Well, she used to anyway. She hasn't seen them in months. I tell Tanya that she can go, and I adjust myself and straighten my tie. I wash my hands thoroughly before I leave my office. I take a look at myself in the mirror. . .she still wants me, right? I sigh and walk into the exam room where my patient is waiting.

"Hello, Mrs. um. . ._Needsomesex_?" No way is that the name of my patient. Tanya is messing with me, which is unusual for her.

"Hello, Doctor Masen," she purrs. My head snaps up.

Holy hell. I gulp before I can answer. "Uh, Mrs. Needsomesex, I'm here to examine you?" It comes out as a question because I can't believe that she's here. . .in the flesh. Her back is to me, but I know that body. It's been a while since we've been intimate, but every curve is burned into my brain. My mood changes quickly from shock to desire. She's wearing an ugly exam gown, but I don't give a fuck. It's coming off.

"That's really good, Doctor. I'm in desperate need of an _examination_." Oh, she's playing with me? I should grab her immediately and fuck her hard for teasing me, but I can't do that. Not yet, anyway.

"Really? That's excellent because I'm going to be very thorough." I walk toward her and breathe heavily against her neck, which is exposed by the ill-fitting gown.

"Well, I would expect nothing less. I've got it on good authority that you're the best." _You should know, Bella. I used to make you cry my name. _Thank god Tanya is gone for the night and we are alone. She might've been startled by Bella's noises. I'm probably going to cry when I finally get inside of her. Damn, I'm glad I jerked off earlier. _Thank you, Emmett._

"Oh, I am. By the time I'm done, you'll definitely agree," I whisper against her skin, which I'm teasing with my lips. She turns around, slowly, her face exposing her emotions - lust, love, hunger. . .all for me. I'm sure I mirror those feelings.

She whimpers before saying, "I think I'm beginning to see why it's so difficult to get an appointment with you." She runs her hand across my stomach before dragging it up my chest and gripping the fabric of my shirt. "I've waited a long time to get to see you."

"It's been too long, baby. Now I need to see you." I slide my hands under the gown and slowly push it off of her shoulders to reveal a barely-there bra and tiny panties. Oh, Jesus. I may not make it to the sex.

"Oh, Edward...I've...I've missed you so much," she tells me, her voice trembling. "I just...I couldn't wait anymore. I hope you don't mind me _coming_..."

"Mmm, Bella. I'm going to insist that you come again and again. As much as you can handle. . ." I run my hands up her thighs, spreading them. I palm her hips and pull her toward me, my body nestled between her legs.

"I think I can handle you, Dr. Masen," she whispers as she pulls my shirt from my pants and begins to go work on the buttons. "Can you handle me?"

"Mrs. Masen," I say as I nibble on her bottom lip, "you know I can."

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BPOV

I suck his top lip and I want to cry or laugh...or just fucking scream from how good it feels to be here with him like this. In his arms...his hands on my skin...his mouth covering mine. Fuck, he feels so good and even though he looks tired - the long hours working and the twins have taken their toll - he's still perfect and he's still the most beautiful, most wonderful man I've ever known.

He pulls his mouth from mine, my bottom lip sliding through his teeth. And as he covers my jaw and neck with kisses, I whisper, "I love that, Edward."

"I know you do," he chuckles.

"No," I pant as he sucks my neck softly. "Not that. Though, I love it when you do that, too."

"What?" he asks, his tongue sliding across my neck and flicking against the hollow of my throat. "What else do you love?"

"When you call me that, Edward...I love it when you call me Mrs. Masen."

"Fuck," he moans against me. "Mrs. Masen."

I run my hands across his chest and his skin is so hot, so smooth. He grabs my waist, pulling me closer and hitching one of my legs against his hip. I can feel him hard and pressing against me where I'm - where I have been wet for him so long. I've waited for this moment...longed for it even. And now that it's here, I'm overwhelmed with the need to touch him everywhere. To feel him everywhere. To tell him everything and to hear him say everything to me.

His hands run across my back, seeking out the clasp to my bra. He finds and unhooks it, before pushing the straps over my shoulders, releasing my now-fuller breasts from the lace. I want to be self-conscious about my body - I have been self-conscious since I gained all the weight with the twins - but here with him, with the way he is looking at me, I can find no insecurity. He makes me secure. He has _always_ looked at me this way. From the first night in Miami so long ago, to the countless other times that we have made love since then. He has always wanted me this way...this much.

I pull my bra the rest of the way off and toss it to the side. He's staring at me. My eyes, my lips...and yes, my breasts.

"Tell me," I whisper. "Tell me...how much you want me."

"I'm dying without you, Bella. It hurts to be away from you. I need to be everywhere. To touch you all over."

He pushes me back on the examining table, running his hands across my skin. He stops at my breasts, stroking them, cupping them, feeling their weight in his palms. He leans forward, kissing the skin of my belly, licking me with his tongue and sucking me wetly with his mouth. He pauses, almost reverently, over the scar I now have from my c-section. Kissing me softly and murmuring against my skin. I cry out at the sensation...at the way that he remembers how to do this...how to make me feel this way.

And then I am silenced at his words.

"I didn't think you could be more beautiful. . .but you are. I didn't think I could want you more. . .but I do. I didn't think I could fuck you harder. . .but I am. Right now."

His eyes are dark and intense as his words sink into my lust-hazed mind. And suddenly his fingers slide roughly down my sides, dipping beneath my panties and pulling them down. I lift myself to help him along, desperate to feel him touching me there. Needing to feel his fingers, his mouth...his fucking gorgeous cock. His hands run along the inside of my thighs, parting them and spreading me further and more open for him. My mind is racing with a million thoughts and not one of them coherent. Just need and want and sex and him. My husband...my life...the man of my dreams.

He falls to his knees in front of me, kissing my leg all the way up to my knee. It's all too much and not enough because I know why he's there...what he's going to do. And I fucking need it so much that I'm not above the willingness to beg.

So, I do.

"Please," I whimper. "Please, Edward. Baby, don't tease me."

"It's only teasing if I don't intend to follow through. And Bella, I'm definitely going to finish this."

And then I feel him, his fingers spreading my slick skin before his tongue slides against me in one forceful and long stroke. And fuck me hard on an examination table, if I don't come the moment that he touches my clit. I cry out his name because he is the only man who _has_ ever and _will_ ever make me feel this way. I'm a quivering mess, writhing beneath him, but he doesn't stop. He presses my thighs down with his hands and continues licking me, sucking me and loving me with his mouth. My hands reach down and latch onto his hair. I'm clutching it so hard that it must be hurting, only I can't seem to find it in me to care because what he's doing feels so fucking good.

"God, I love you!" I cry. "So...oh...oh, god...so fucking much."

And he doesn't have to say anything because what he's doing is telling me more than his words ever could. Edward loves me...has always loved me more than anything. The realization of that combined with the sensation of his tongue, suspends me gloriously on the edge of ecstasy until I topple over, tripping and fumbling and screaming out inarticulate words.

"Mmm. I missed that. I love the sounds when I make you come."

He stands up and leans over me and kisses me hard and deep, murmuring my name over and over. I'm gripping his shirt, wanting to push it off, but not wanting to let him go long enough to do it. Sensing what I want, he rips it off himself before covering me completely again. His skin feels so good pressed against all of mine and I grip his shoulders, my nails digging into him as he cries out. I wonder if I've hurt him, but the way kisses me again lets me know that even if I have, he doesn't care. He's just like me...desperate and wanting and needing this too much.

"Please," I beg again. "Please, I need to feel you inside of me. Deep inside of me."

"I promise you'll feel every inch, baby."

He quickly pushes up and I whimper. I don't know if it's because I miss the contact or if it's because I know what's going to happen. What's about to happen.

Right.

Fucking.

Now.

He makes quick work of his pants and boxers and I watch, amazed...entranced. Because even though he has the hands and fingers of a surgeon, they're trembling. And I did that. I make him that way...still. Excited and nervous and so fucking needy that there's no way to hide it.

I'm the same way.

He makes me the same way.

I am pulled from my thoughts at the sight of his cock as it springs free from his boxers...and I gasp. Because even after all this time...all these years...the sight of him naked and beautiful before me still takes my breath away. And yeah, I might have given birth to twins, but I didn't do that shit vaginally. And it's been a long fucking time since he's been inside me...and I know, I remember what it feels like. What it's _going_ to feel like.

"Umm...Mrs. Masen," he says and I look up to find him smirking. "That's right, baby. My eyes are up here."

"Oh really, Dr. Masen?" I try to purr, but my voice is shaky and breathless. "I suppose it was _my_ eyes that you were looking at when you were down between my legs."

"No," he says, stepping closer, grabbing his cock at the base...and I look. Because fuck him, if he thinks I'm not watching his hand on his cock. "I don't believe that I was looking at anything when I was down there. I was too busy tasting it."

And just like that, I feel a surge of moisture and heat. Taking advantage of what I'm sure he's aware that he caused, he rubs the tip of his head up and down the now-drenched flesh of my pussy. And I whimper and moan, not knowing if I want him to just push in and pound the shit out of me...or to continue this slow fucking torture that feels too good for any words.

"Tell me, Bella," he rasps, his voice lower and no longer teasing and playful. "Tell me how you want me."

He rubs his tip up once more, pausing on and circling my clit. His breathing is heavy and I can see the way his chest is rising and falling with each breath. I reach up to him, touching and cupping his face with my hands. He leans in and kisses me and as I open my mouth to him, he sucks on my tongue and swallows my cries. And the whole time...the entire fucking time...he never once stops rubbing me with his cock.

"Tell me," he whispers again, roughly.

"Hard, Edward," I cry, "and fast."

In one smooth movement, he slides down to my opening and pushes in all the way. I gasp from the feeling of him sheathing himself inside me so quickly.

"And deep, Bella," he tells me roughly. "You forgot to mention deep."

I'm nowhere remotely close to adjusting to the feeling of him finally inside me again when I feel him pull almost all the way out and push back in. I have to hold onto his shoulders because his movement is so forceful and his hands slip down to my hips as he begins to thrust in and out of me. Sex with Edward has always been amazing, but it has never been like this. And I don't know if it's because it's been so long or because he needs it so much, but the reason doesn't matter because as I look up at him, I see everything I need to see in his eyes. He doesn't just need this...he needs me. The same way that I need him. The same way that we've always needed each other.

"You feel...oh, god...Edward, you're...fuck, this is amazing!"

I feel my body relax as it stretches to accommodate him, every single stroke touching another place inside me. It's so much that I feel like I'm forgetting to breathe and even that doesn't matter because the only thing I can focus on...the only thing I'm capable of understanding is that the way he feels inside me is perfect. He's perfect.

"You're so wet, Bella," he says. "Tight...and oh, fuck, you feel so good."

He's gripping me harder and pulling me closer with each push of his body and I can feel him trembling underneath my hands. I lean my head back, closing my eyes and just feeling him as he moves inside me.

"No, baby...look at me," he cries. "I'm so close, Bella. I'm not going to last."

My eyes shoot open and connect with his and the love that I see there almost pushes me over. Edward leans over me completely, linking one arm under my shoulder and moving the other one between us as he searches out my clit and begins to rub me with his thumb. My legs wrap around him and I cry out as my body begins to shake with the force of my orgasm.

"That's it," he tells me. "Right there, Bella."

He pushes in one last time, coming inside me and the full weight of his body collapsing in exhaustion. We lay there panting, clinging and coming down together. Edward covers me with kisses...my face, my neck, my chest and breasts. We're covered in sweat and even though I know I must look like a mess, he is looking at me like I am the most beautiful woman in the word. And laying here in his arms, I feel like I am.

"I love you so much," I whisper. "I will always love you this much."

"More, Bella," he says, continuing to kiss me. "Everyday, I love you more."

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EPOV

We walk out of the hospital laughing and touching and clutching each other just like we did on our honeymoon. I help her to the car and buckle her in, because honestly she's a bit shaky. I think I've worn her out. When she slides her hand up my thigh while I drive home, I realize she's not done with me. I grin widely and steal a kiss at the stop light (I'm not about to crash and miss out on more sex).

Emmett and Rosalie are making out on the couch like teenagers when we get home. I clear my throat, expecting them to scramble apart, embarrassed. Yeah, right. It is Rosalie and Emmett. They've broken my headboard before. Emmett spends a lot of money at Home Depot.

"All right. Ok, so you're home now. Damn, this was getting good. And I really like this couch. I can get good traction-"

I cut off Emmett immediately as Bella giggles. Rosalie rolls her eyes and adjusts her shirt. . .wait, was that a nipple? Dear god, how the hell does he know what type of traction I have on my couch?

"Thanks for babysitting. As you can see, we're home and um, we're really tired. . ." I falter. I don't want to say that I'm going to ravish my wife again, but they need to know it's time to go.

"Yeah, we can see you are _tired_," Emmett laughs. "So I guess giving us another twenty minutes or so-"

Rosalie interrupts, "Thirty."

"Is out of the question," I growl. "I need to get Bella to bed. Now."

"He really _does_ need to get me to bed," my Bella says, smiling up at me. "And I need to get _him_ to bed, too." She licks her lips and I know they're not dry. I just kissed them before we came inside.

"Dude, it's seven o' clock. Why the fuck are you..." he trails off as he realizes what's going on. I'm giving him the look that says "get the fuck out."

"Oh. Damn, Edward. Again?" He leans in for a fist bump. "Fuck yeah," he cheers. I ignore his offered hand, although I do appreciate the encouragement.

"Emmett, baby," Rosalie say suggestively. "Let's get Ella home and in bed, too. I think our couch has better traction than this one. And I can pretend to be a babysitter and you can pretend..."

"How are Heath and Benjamin?" Bella interrupts, thankfully, because I don't really need to know what sort of "role-playing" scenarios they participate in. "Were they okay while I was gone?"

"No, they fucking cried for two hours, so I slipped them some of Edward's scotch in their bottles," she says, winking. "They should sleep for the rest of the night."

"Bella, she's joking, right?" I whisper. She laughs and nods.

"Seriously, they just fell asleep. You two should be good for a few hours. . .you know, for 'sleeping' or whatever." Rosalie uses air quotes. I'm so glad Bella doesn't do that.

"But really?" Bella asks. "Did they cry a lot while I was gone?"

"No, Bella. They were fine. They cried a little when they saw Emmett, but who doesn't? Sometimes I tear up in the middle of the night when I glance over at him," Rosalie snorts.

"That's only when you see the unit, baby. Tears of fucking joy," Emmett boasts.

"Um, I'm _really_ tired, so. . ." I say, pointedly. I think about attempting a fake yawn, but that is beyond my acting ability.

"OK, Edward. We know you want to 'make love' to Bella. Emmett, get Ella so we can go," Rosalie demands. Ugh. The air quotes again.

We say goodbye to our friends and we are left alone. No mother-in-law. Boys asleep in their cribs. We sit on our couch just looking at each other. I don't think we've had a quiet moment like this in months. I lean my forehead against hers, holding her to me.

"Bella?"

"Yes, Edward?"

"I'm not really tired."

"Well, that's good," she giggles. "I wasn't really planning on letting you go to sleep anytime soon. You know what I was thinking?"

Then she pushes me back and attacks me with her mouth. My hand is sliding up her thigh when I hear him.

"Waaah-aah, aah, aah!" It's Benjamin. In a few seconds, Heath joins him in a cockblocking chorus.

Thanks, boys.

Bella has Ben and I have Heath on the couch - not the one that Emmett was just on. That one has to be steam-cleaned. I gaze at the three people I love most - my boys and my girl.

It's true what Emmett always tells me. . .

I _am_ a lucky fucker.

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A/N

Reviews are awesome.

We really love them a lot.

On February 10th, we will be hosting a readalong on Twitter for The Twinklings Community. We will be reading Tunes with Tony Masen by Just4ALE. Both of us really love this story and we would love for you to join us.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N:

Marvar: I was dreaming about Emmett's balls and this is what I came up with.

Cosmo: Emmett's balls are funny. Edward's cock is glorious.

Marvar: True. But it would be blasphemy to write about cutting Edward's junk.

Cosmo: Agreed. Bella will have to be on the pill forever. No way any nurse is fluffing his cock. Even though that would be the best job ever.

Marvar: I just got woozy from thinking about that job. I need to go lie down...

Cosmo: Okay, you do that. I'll just be over here waiting on my knees...for Edward. I'm gonna need a pillow.

Oh, Forthwithward, how we missed you. This outtake is here because cosmo wanted to write me letters...which made me think about LiMB.

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"So you are saying that you are going to cut open my balls and reattach some shit and then my swimmers will be in full effect?" Emmett asks in his normal speaking voice which is possibly three levels above my comfort zone. A few months ago he let me test his hearing, which was surprisingly normal - I had hoped there was a medical reason for his eardrum-rattling tone. But no, Emmett is just obnoxious. He just laughed when I told him the results and proudly texted Rosalie that I proved he had a powerful mouth. I told him that his vocal cords, not his mouth, produced sound, but he just rolled his eyes. Again, a very normal Emmett response. Sometimes I wonder why he's my best friend.

"My cock, Edward?" he asks as he chomps on a bread stick.

_Cock_?

"What?" I answer. I must have missed part of the conversation, although Emmett does use the word "cock" quite frequently and in every context so it's not unusual.

More reasons to wonder about that whole "best friend" thing. It's probably too late now to find another male companion. Obviously Jasper isn't suitable unless I'm planning to weave my own clothing or enter a cult that worships rocks. My sister must be under some sort of delusions. She has actually procreated with that man. My niece, Dalai (named after some another caftan wearer), is a beautiful toddler. Hopefully she has inherited our family's good dominant traits and not Jasper's obviously lacking recessive genes. Thankfully, Alice changed her mind about the hemp diapers...

On further reflection, Emmett is my best choice. Even though he breaks into show tunes (Hello, Dolly) whenever he sees my niece.

"Will you be holding my cock, or will you be clamping it down or some shit? I know you're going to have to move it because of it's enormous size and all, because it will eclipse my balls and you need full view of the guys. Also, will you need to order special instruments that will handle me?"

I scrub my hands through my hair in frustration, then assume the face I usually reserve for my pediatric patients...or Emmett.

"Emmett, I will not be holding your penis. I will be performing surgery. My nurse, Heidi, will be assisting me with the procedure." Christ, why did I agree to this?

Right. He was my "best friend."

"That's not the old one that's a 'vagitarian,' right? They don't like me - too much competition. She might fuck up in a jealous rage or something."

"Tanya has recently retired, Emmett. And I'm not going to ask what a vagitarian is. Coming from you, I'll assume it's not another form of a non-meat eater."

"Actually, it is - they just avoid man meat." He makes a suggestive motion with his tongue. I pretend I'm blind. I will probably have to do that again since I plan to continue with this relationship.

Most likely.

I gulp down my wine. If Emmett turns me into an alcoholic, I'm going to have a very interesting journal article to write. Well, after I get out of rehab.

"My nurse is extremely professional, I assure you."

"She's hot, right? A butter-face is acceptable too, because she'll have a mask on. 'Cos an ugly woman hasn't held 'The Python' in like ten years," he says proudly, then mumbles something about spring break '08 not counting because it was in Vegas. I try to ignore his rambling, but he continues, much to my chagrin. "It might curl up into itself and that will fuck up everything."

"'The Python,' Emmett?" I ask. Somehow I know I shouldn't.

"My cock, Edward," he replies incredulously, like I'm a moron and not a scientifically-proven genius. (Yes, I have had recent testing.) "You know, trouser snake."

Of course it is. Only he would name his penis after a large reptile. It's not a flattering comparison if you really think about it - scaly and relatively cold. But Emmett probably doesn't dwell on specifics.

That whole genius thing is wasted on him.

I sigh, and try to patiently explain the process again. I think my four-month-old sons might grasp the concepts better than he does. "Didn't you read the informational packet I gave you, Emmett?"

He laughs. "No one reads your fucking packets, Edward."

"Bella does," I say, slightly offended by the notion. I estimate the amount of informational packets I've distributed and hope I've not wasted all those hours. That would be counterproductive.

"Because she's dickmatized, dude. Somehow you've figured out how to lay the pipe right. I told you that porn would be good for you."

I smile, because I live to satisfy my Bella. I'm definitely not smiling at Emmett's repeated euphemisms for sex.

"You're thinking about nailing her, right? Can't blame you. Anyways, I don't want to talk about your cock; I only care about mine. Now, who is going to fluff me before the procedure? Is that shit in the pamphlet? It's not you, right? Because that would be wrong."

"Fluff you?" I reply, confused.

"Yeah. 'The Python' might be timid, and I need to be at my full potential."

I read the results of my google search of "fluff." Oh dear god.

_No, I don't want images_.

"No one will be fluffing you, Emmett. And trust me when I say that no one will care about your lack of size."

He scoffs. "I'm not lacking, dude. And I can always chub myself up before you give me the night night juice and you touch my shit, Michael Jackson."

"It's Edward, Emmett," I remind him patiently. I'm rewarded for my concern about his poor memory with an eye roll and some muttered curses. I don't understand why he would even need "fluffing." I just think about Bella and I get erect. Sometimes it's a problem. Like when I'm in scrubs. I scared Nurse Heidi last week after I got a call from Bella. Her eyes and mouth opened really wide when I couldn't hide my reaction to my wife's voice. I smiled apologetically at her...but that might've made it worse. She got all flushed and sweaty. Maybe I offended her - I'll have to research sexual harassment. Emmett distracts my thought as he pours more wine for both of us. "You might've had too much chianti. Are you still positive you want general anesthesia?"

"Absolutely. I will be scarred for life if I'm awake for this shit. I can still smell my balls burning...it was like bacon...but not." He shudders and cups his crotch. I gasp when he grabs a meatball from his plate (with the fresh crotch germs still on his hand) and bites it. "Mmm," he says as he licks his fingers.

"Um, don't you want to clean up..."

"Oh, speaking of cleaning up, I decided to go Brazilian. Rosie convinced me that she'd be more inclined to 'tend to my needs' if I was completely hairless. The wax in my ass crack hurt like a bitch, though. But the results...yeah, Rose loved it. The other night she did this thing with her tongue-"

"Emmett!"

And I throw up a little in my mouth. I'm not sure if it's from the crotch-to-mouth manouever or the idea of hair-removal from Emmett's intimate areas.

All in all, it's actually a normal lunch with Emmett.

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End Notes:

Will Forthwithward chop off Emmett's nuts in a pique? Stay tuned...we might have some more weird dreams about cock and balls. Until then, review if you wanna.

Follow us on twitter: marvar29 and cosmogirl7481.


	4. Ch 4 The Not So Immaculate Conception

**This is a special outtake for my bestest girl, cosmogirl7481, who requested this particular event. And whatever she wants, she gets...unless it's Rob. We all keep wishing for that. I just hope that she loves this as much as I love her birthday presents, *cough*, porn.**

**Happy Birthday, Solemeat. I love you more than you love cock. **

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**Chapter 4 The Not So Immaculate Conception**

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"So you're not going to do a natural birth like Alice was talking about the other night?" asks Emmett while we sit and eat our usual weekly lunch. "Like, Bella is going to squeeze out your clones in the hot tub or some shit? I hope not, because I like to soak in that when I visit. Last time Rose and I -"

"Absolutely not, Emmett. I can't believe you even asked," I reply. Honestly, I can believe it, because he's Emmett...but I try to give him the benefit of the doubt most times. I also make a mental note to call for an acid wash on the hot tub. I had to hire a service due to the frequent defiling by my uninhibited family and friends.

"Thank god. I couldn't sleep last night. I kept picturing you and Bella in bloody water. It was like Jaws but with babies. I'm still so upset; I can barely eat my steak right now." He shoves a hunk of meat into his mouth, leaving only a t-shaped bone and some gristle on his bloody plate.

"Right. I can see you are struggling with that," I retort. "And my sons are not 'clones,' Emmett. They are identical twins. Though there have been many advances in cloning genetic material, it's still not -"

"Yes, Edward. I know," Emmett says with a groan that makes me wonder if he's ill. Maybe he's finally feeling the effects of all that red meat. I should ask if he's checked his cholesterol recently. "We all pretended to read your eleventy-billionth informational packet on identical twins. Seriously, the PowerPoints were enough."

"I was merely trying to address some common misconceptions about twins, and how they form. And that isn't an actual number."

"They formed in her stomach after you two fucked. What else do we need to know?"

"That's not exactly true, Emmett."

"Wait, please don't tell me you did some weird experiment in your basement with a turkey baster and a test tube. That's creepy, Edward."

"Of course not, Emmett. Bella's ovum was fertilized in the traditional way."

"By fucking twice, right...one for each baby?"

"Emmett-" He obviously didn't watch my presentation.

"Oh wait, you 'made love.' Now if you have video of that, I'd be willing to watch."

Damn, I wish I had video of us. Especially that night.

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_She opens the door, surprised to see me. I wasn't supposed to be off until tomorrow night, and suddenly here I am soaking wet from the storm. I was so excited when Dr. Newton arrived early to relieve me that I ran out of the hospital without my rain gear. _

_I needed relief in more ways than one...I hadn't seen my wife in four days, and we hadn't made love in over two weeks. That was like a lifetime for me. Hence the throwing of all caution to the wind and walking outside without a jacket when it was time to leave._

_I needed her._

_"Edwa-"_

_She doesn't even finish saying my name before I have her pressed against the wall and my lips on hers. _

_I hope that wasn't rude. _

_I didn't even say hello. But judging by the way she's grinding against my fully erect cock...I'd say she's not upset. "Mmm, Bella. I missed you...I missed us," I whisper, but it comes out more like a moan. I can't help it. Her lips are sliding against my rain-slickened skin and making me want to lose all control. Well, more than I've already lost, since I have my wife pinned against a wall and my hands all over her without even closing the door. Her thin, white shirt is now transparent. Although I love the sight of her nipples through a wet shirt, cold rain water is not as harmless as scotch._

_"I'm sorry, baby. I'm making you all wet," I say as I pull away to close the front door. Her lips make a slight slurping noise when they detach from my ear which makes her giggle._

_"I'm not sorry. I love it when you get me wet." She doesn't sound sorry - she sounds aroused as she wraps her arms around my neck and pulls me toward the living room. She's kissing me and licking off droplets of rainwater wherever she can reach - which is my chest since I'm a foot taller than her and I have excellent posture. Nana Cullen made sure I never slouched. _

_We reach the couch and she sits on the arm, pulling me between her legs - which quickly wrap around my hips. I feel her shiver as I touch the bare skin of her thighs. I instantly worry that I've compromised her immune system._

_"Being cold and wet makes you more susceptible to illness, Bella." I try to back away a bit so I don't soak her completely, but she locks her legs to keep me in place._

_She __laughs,__loud__ and__ exuberant.__ Leaning __forward,__she__ says__ in__ my __ear,__ "__You__ only __make __me _hot _and_ wet_, __Edward." __She __twines __her __finger__ around__ mine__ and__ slowly__ runs __our __joined__ hands __between__ her__ legs.__"See?"__ They __dip __under__ her __panties __and__ I __feel..._

_Ah. Her "wet" is so much better. Especially for sex. Which we're going to have - right here, right now - considering the evidence. The evidence being her silky, slick pussy and her hand on my erection, rhythmically stroking me through my pants. _

_You can't argue with that sort of proof._

_"You want me here, Bella?" I ask for conformation - just to be thorough. _

_She kisses me hard and demanding and says, "Now. I want your cock. I think you've forgotten what's it's like to fuck me."_

_"That would be impossible, baby." Her pussy is unforgettable, and I have a photographic memory. She knows I tracked her across the country just to get more of it. And I'm going to get it now._

_Clothes and shoes are coming off - we're grabbing at whatever is in our way. She pushes down my pants and briefs with her hands and finishes the job with her toes. It's slightly awkward, but she's determined as much as she's dexterous. I love when she multitasks. I go to work on her nipples, rubbing and stroking because I know from experience they don't like to be ignored (not literally - I was referring to Bella's sexual preferences)._

_Her mouth is on mine - needy and hot. She's rubbing herself against my crotch which is a sign that she's ready for me. With a groan, I try to slide in, but Bella is perched too low to get in all the way. It's just the tip. I'm a few inches above average in length, but I know that's not going to be enough. Bella likes it all. Well, I guess I like to fill her up, too. _

"_Edward,__please,'Bella begs against my mouth."More."I grab her ass and plop her down on the back of the couch, which is half a foot higher. She impatiently grabs my length and takes me in with a speed and dexterity she hasn't shown before._

_My wife wants me. _

_I guess I'm going to have to show her that the feeling is mutual. _

_Her legs are hooked over my elbows and she's hanging on to my shoulders and the couch is rocking so hard I'm afraid it will flip...but I'm not stopping. I can't. It's too good. It's too...everything._

_"Harder...Edward...almost...there..." _

_I can't handle much more...and neither can the couch. I shift her legs over my shoulders and grip her firmly by the hips; Bella leans back so that she's hanging upside down. It's like Cirque du Soleil...if the acrobats had sex on couches. _

_"Like that, baby?" The couch tips - I think the leg snaps off - and I go even deeper. _

_"Oh my god, Edward. So good." And I focus the motion of my hips on that one spot, the one that makes her cry out my name...thrusting mercilessly...keeping the rhythm she loves...until we both cry out._

_Damn. No words. Literally - I make a weird groaning sound. She's made me incoherent, and she was the one hanging upside down. _

_Bella sits up (or dismounts - or whatever) after a few moments, her legs slipping down towards the floor. I'm breathing heavily against her sweaty stomach. "Wow...that was...Those yoga classes are really working," she says with a giggle. I make a mental note to not complain about the ineffectiveness of yoga ever again. _

_"I love you, Bella," I say, holding her close to me._

_"I certainly hope so, Edward, because I'm pretty sure that in nine months I'm going to squeeze out your offspring," she says with a laugh._

_"Really?" I kiss her softly as she grins a special smile - the one I saw when I proposed to her and again on the day she said "I do."_

_"Yeah, this was my most fertile day."_

_"I'm growing erect again just thinking about you charting your cycle. You know how science gets me excited."_

_"Mmm. So I see..." She wiggles her pussy against my rapidly hardening cock. _

_I'm just about to start round two when a loud "Waaaaaahhhh!" comes out of nowhere. Well, not "nowhere." It's the baby monitor. It seems that Ella is as much of a cockblocker as her father. Bella kisses me and tells me she loves me before grabbing her clothes and heading to the bedroom to check on the baby. _

_I smile as I think about Bella being pregnant with my child. I don't know how I could love her more...but I know I will. Only she could make me this out of control that I'd actually have sex on Emmett's couch - without being encased in a plastic bubble. _

_And then sit on it naked. _

_Gah. I try not to think about the debauchery this couch has seen. _

_And I don't mean the sex I just had._

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Emmett takes me away from my daydream by asking to borrow my "sex tape."

"You are disgusting. Like I'd ever show you a video of us making love." Especially on your couch. That would really get him going.

"Oh, that's taboo, but the creepy model of Bella's girl parts in your office is normal? Right, Dr. Strangelove."

"That's an anatomically correct model of her uterus that I designed to chart her progress. I'm just making sure everything is normal," I retort. "Everything has to be normal. Everything has to be okay. I need to make sure my wife and babies are perfect." My voice is suddenly scratchy and high-pitched. I might be infectious. I better do a throat culture before I go home.

"Edward," Emmett says softly (which is extremely unusual), "they'll be fine. Don't get so worked up. Bella needs you to be strong. Besides, who could provide better medical care than you?"

"I'm not her doctor, Emmett. She refuses to let me examine her. I even bought an ultrasound machine, but she won't let me use it."

Emmett snorts. "Dude, you're lucky she still lets you put your cock in there after you tried to give her a pelvic exam. Rosalie wanted me to cut your junk off after she heard about that episode."

"I'm not putting my cock anywhere right now, Emmett. Especially not in the birth canal." It's difficult to disguise the wistfulness in my voice. I miss...putting my cock in there. Her obstetrician didn't say we couldn't have sex, but I had to convince Bella it was for the best. After a rather lengthy presentation of the cons, she was convinced, or pissed at me. I'm not sure which. The result was no sex, regardless. I'm extremely clean so wasn't concerned about infection, but our sex is rather vigorous. I actually cracked the headboard once. And a couch. I am rather muscular thanks to Emmett's training sessions (he is good at something), and Bella elicits intense sexual reactions.

"Ah. That's why you're more uptight than usual. And that's pretty fucking tight."

"Bella is supposed to be resting now. It's in her and my sons' best interest if we don't have sex. We won't be doing anything until six to eight weeks after the birth."

"Oh god, Edward. You volunteered the both of you for abstinence? Seriously?" Emmett barks out a laugh.

"It's for her own good. I'm just trying to protect her and my sons. I didn't even want to leave her to come here, but she basically kicked me out. She said I was hovering. Like I'm a human helicopter or something. She didn't react well when I corrected her."

Emmett rolls his eyes. Now I know that eye rolling means he finds my comments annoying. He explained that after I repeatedly asked him to get eye exams.

"Damn. So almost three more months? Well, I guess now is the perfect time to give you your present. Dads need presents, too. And it's not a stupid fucking audio recording, like whatever that shit was you gave me for Ella's shower." He hands me a gift bag which I open.

"It was a prenatal learning system, Emmett. Bella loves hers."

"Right. She's totally listening to smutty books and not those whale sounds or whatever."

"She is not! But, um, thank you, Emmett for the...oh my god." _What __the_..I think I might vomit my chicken sandwich.

"You like it?" Of course Emmett takes my gasp of shock as a positive reaction. "That's how I survived Rose being out of commission. It's way better than your hand."

I take a deep breath (after attempting to recover from the horror and the partial emesis of my lunch) and explain patiently, "As much as I appreciate the thought behind this," here I cringe, because honestly Emmett's thought process concerning this particular item is frightening, "there is no way I'm inserting my penis into a fake vagina, or any other vagina. Ever." I use my butter knife to push it back into the bag and toward Emmett. There's no need to prolong my exposure to that... thing.

"I thought you'd like it since you already have your own latex vagina, Edward."

I glare at him, because I've already explained it's a uterus...and made of silicone. I think he purposely ignores me. "F-off, Emmett."

"Just wait another month. You'll be lubing up while watching that sex video of you and Bella. Don't think I didn't notice your lack of denial of said video."

"There's no video, Emmett. And I would sooner go on a peyote vision quest with Jasper than 'lube up' for a sex apparatus purchased by you. Did you even sanitize that thing?" Being rather heavy (for an artificial sex organ), I shudder to think of what vile substances could be in there. You know, other than Emmett's emissions (which is horrifying enough). Although Rosalie must appreciate his secretions. She allows him to touch her intimately, one would assume, based upon the evidence provided by the birth of their biological child.

"Like I'd want your dick to touch where my dick has been. Duh, Edward. I know you have germ issues. I bought you a new one."

Oh excellent, because I'm sure the "pocket pussy" manufacturing plant maintains the highest level of stringent sanitary conditions. I reach into my pocket for my antibacterial wipes, although I might need to bathe in alcohol to remove this level of contagion. I try to speak, but I'm still calculating the best course of treatment for this biohazard in a box.

"It feels very life-like, Ed. I don't know what they put on it to make it feel like skin."

On second thought, I'm contemplating a full body scrub in a decontamination chamber.

"Um..." Yeah, how do you respond to comments like that? You'd think I'd be better at it, but Emmett always surprises me.

"Hey, can we stop at Home Depot? I need to get some screws to fix my couch. It's all fucked up. We should get a new one, but Rose and I have seen some really hot action on there, you know, like your hot tub."

As always, a very interesting lunch with Emmett. I really should play golf instead like other doctors. And I don't feel guilty about the couch at all..

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**Hope you enjoyed reading. Stay tuned for another outtake.**

**Many kisses to ltlerthqak for red pen duties because Cosmo couldn't edit her own present. She also provided pocket pussy expertise (I didn't ask how or why).**

**Also kisses to Laura_1025 for prereading and making pretty birthday avis for cosmo.**


	5. Ch 5  Ooh Baby Baby

**Happy birthday Cosmo, part deux. ILY.**

**Chapter 5 – Ooh, Baby Baby.**

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Two pink-faced, perfect boys lay in the crib. They both have tiny blue caps covering their reddish fuzz and a little fist tucked under each chin. Their mother is snoozing five feet away. I'm so glad she didn't follow through on her threat to neuter me – we create beautiful babies. And even though she said I will never touch her again, I'm fairly confident that she'll change her mind. When I hear soft moans (not the kind I usually hear from her), I know Bella is awake. I walk over to her side. Cautiously. Because she's wanted to hurt me for the last ten hours. My hand has just started to regain normal circulation, though I'd rather chop it off than mention to her that it hurt.

"Fuck...My puss hurts and I feel like something tore its way out of my uterus. Did you rip them out with your teeth or something?" Bella groans from the hospital bed. "Did you see Dr. Gerandy put everything back in there, Edward? I feel like my guts have been rolled up and shoved back up into my stomach. Seriously."

"Dr. Gerandy did everything correctly, Bella. Especially considering the unusual situation. And it's the uter—" I stop speaking because she's giving me that look, and more importantly, she might rip off my penis. She's already threatened it. Something about using a rusty scalpel. I don't have to comment any more because the nurse comes in to check her, and Bella grimaces. She hates being prodded...especially in "that area."

"You're going to put a tube in my vadge?" she screeches. "So I can pee? Oh, hell no. Edward, use your clout. Do something."

"Sweetheart, it's a catheter, and it goes in your ur—"

"Don't you dare finish that statement, Edward, or we will both be using catheters to pee. Though yours will be permanent." She mumbles something about me not being good for anything and it'd be a shame to ruin my beautiful cock, but I might be mistaken. I'm not sure if the cock comment helps or hurts my chances for intercourse in the future.

Looking at the grimace on her face, I'm thinking it's like fifty/fifty that I'll have sex again.

"Oh my god I can't believe you're sticking that in there," Bella moans.

On second thought, maybe thirty/seventy.

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**Three hours earlier...**

I place my sons on Bella's chest. I'm so full of love and pride for my wife and family that I might burst (not literally). The twins have been screened and checked thoroughly and are perfect. Bella says they look like me, and I think she may be right. I guess that's good since Bella, my mom, and my Nana Cullen all say I'm handsome.

Nothing else has gone wrong during the delivery, and Bella is stitched up and out of danger.

I can finally breathe.

I watch my wife cuddle my boys, and now I know exactly what my mom and Emmett tried to explain to me about what it's like to love someone like this. Well, I understand my mother...I never really get what Emmett says – something about shitting rainbows. But the feeling can't be denied.

They are everything to me.

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**Two hours before that...**

"Ahhhhhhhh! It's ripping! I'm ripping!"

"You're okay, Bella. He's coming out. It's just a little tear—"

"Let me rip open your dick, Edward. Then we'll talk," she spits out between grunts. I say nothing in response. My high IQ is finally kicking in, and I stop commenting.

With a strange cry and a shudder from my wife, my first-born slips out of his mother and into the arms of the doctor. He's quickly passed to the neonatal specialist to be examined. I made sure my hospital colleagues were available because I wasn't leaving anything to chance. Not with my family.

"He's beautiful, Bella," I say in awe. Her eyes are brimming with tears as we hold him up to her.

"Let's get Benji," says the doctor. I grimace, and not from the blood and other bodily fluids seeping and squirting from my wife's vaginal canal.

"His name is Benjamin. See, Bella? I told you people would call him by that awful dog name. Seriously, I wrote it on the chart, Jonathan. You should understand about awful nicknames. You hate whenever anyone calls you Johnny," I argue.

"Shut the fuck up, Edward and stop distracting my doctor. Can you two pay attention to my vagina and the tiny human that is sticking out of it?"

Yeah. It's been like that for hours. I almost feel bad for chastising Emmett when he made me watch those old childbirth comedy movies. Those guys had it good.

"Okay Bella, let's..._wait_. This isn't going to work," Dr. Gerandy says with his hand in my wife's vagina.

"What? Are you going to shove him back in? Get him out!" Bella shouts.

"He's too big, Bella, and your vaginal opening is tiny. He can't get through. We barely squeezed out Heath, and his brother is larger and facing the wrong way. We'll have to go ahead with the c-section," says Dr. Gerandy.

This is not a usual occurrence so I'm a bit worried, though it is nice to hear scientific proof that my wife has a tight, um, vagina.

"You mean I'm having a c-section, too?" she shrieks.

"It happens in a little more than ten percent of multiple bir—"

"Shut it, Edward. Let the doctor speak." So much for trying to comfort her.

I remain quiet, but I'm offended... not because she's constantly telling me to shut up, but for the fact that she doesn't think I'm highly qualified. I'm sure I did more research than Gerandy. I know _he _doesn't have a silicone model of my wife's uterus.

"Edward is right, Bella. It's not common, but it's nothing to worry about."

Bella sniffles. "Just get me my baby."

I swallow with difficulty; the tears in her eyes are my undoing.

"Edward..." Bella whimpers, "I should have paid more attention to your PowerPoints."

"I promise he will be okay," I vow. I will shove Gerandy out of the way if he shows even a hint of hesitation.

I've been working out. I can take him.

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**Four hours before...**

"Breathe, Bella. If you do the breathing exercises, your pain is supposed to decrease by twenty percent," I choke out. I'm literally choking...Bella is gripping me by the trachea.

"I swear to god, Edward, if you attempt to spout any more medical statistics... Holy shit..." Bella gasps and grabs ahold of my hand.

Holy shit, I might have a fracture. I never knew Bella was that strong. I think about how she grips my hair when I'm orally pleasuring her, or her hands on my penis when she's stroking me...and I'd be bald and a eunuch if she grabbed me like this. I try to save my hand from destruction by gently removing it from the vice that is my wife's grip. I will probably need to do some special exercises to get the full range of motion back. My fingering technique could be affected. Then how would I play piano...or Bella...which is actually why we are here right now.

My fingers are that good.

"Mother of fuuuckkkk!" Bella cries out. "Get me the epidural, now!"

"Sweetheart, you're already nine centimeters...it's too late to get the epidural. I advised you to get it two hours ago, but you wanted a natural birth like Alice and your mother convinced you to do."

"It didn't hurt that bad two hours ago," she wails. "Edward..." I move my hand to her shoulder. She can't do much damage there.

"I'm sorry, Baby, I told you so. You're going to have to deliver without the painkillers. I explained all of this in my presentation...don't you remember?" When I say this she stops her panting and her eyes flash in my direction. I think I may have said something upsetting.

She grabs the front of my scrubs and says, "Edward, I love you...but if you mention your presentation or say I told you so one more time...I'll get a rusty scalpel and...

I.

Will.

Cut.

You."

So yes, I think I may have pissed her off. And where did she see a rusty scalpel? This hospital must be slipping in its quality control. I make a note to call the Chief of Staff.

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**Two hours before...**

"Everything is progressing normally, Bella," says Dr. Gerandy. "You're doing fine. Just keep up your breathing. Are you sure you don't want the epidural?"

"No, Doctor. I think I can do this naturally. I feel very strongly about this."

"Bella, sixty-two percent of women in your age group choose epidurals during labor, allowing plus or minus four percent for error. There is no stigma associated with—"

"Edward, I said I'm fine. I don't want any drugs."

"But Bella—"

"My mother didn't have an epidural with me."

"Rose had one," I argue. I look over to Rose and Emmett, who just walked back into the room, for some help convincing Bella.

"Had what?"

"An epidural," I reply.

"Oh. I thought I was having a twelve pound boy like Emmett was at birth. And Emmett has an enormous head," Rosalie chimes in, offering absolutely no assistance.

"Fuck yeah, I do. Both of them," Emmett says with a grin. He's apparently thrilled by his abnormally large cranium. I resist telling him he has slight Cro-Magnon features. He reaches out for a fist bump. Yeah, not going to happen. I need to be germ free for Bella, and Emmett's fingers are high risk. "Yeah, those other five McCartys are going to slide right out after Ella paved the way."

"What the fuck? Like we're going to have six kids? Right. And you make my vagina sound like a greasy road going through a giant tunnel."

With the look Rosalie is giving him, I'm thinking Emmett might need the pocket pussy tonight.

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**An hour before that...**

"God, Edward...I missed that," Bella moans against me. "You make me so wet."

"Um, that's amniotic fluid. Your water just broke."

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**Ten minutes before that...**

"Bella, baby...not the coat closet. My parents were in there last week."

"Bathroom," she growls. She's actually quite scary right now.

Stumbling and fumbling, we make our way to the powder room. Barely twenty seconds later...

"I missed touching you like this."

"Oh fuck, Edward. Your fingers are like magic. Don't stop."

"Oh my god, again."

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**Five minutes before...**

"Edward," Bella hisses. "You and me, now. Take me somewhere. This sexbargo is over. If I have to watch your father grope your mother again while I'm all frustrated, I might shank you in your sleep. And I think your Nana is getting more action. I saw the looks she was giving that hot male nurse."

"Bella...I..."

"Edward, I've been opening baby presents at this shower for the last hour and even that made me horny. Get in my pants, now!"

"You're wearing a dress, sweetheart."

She uses some choice profanity as she grabs me by the crotch and drags me out of the kitchen.

"Bella?" I cry out. She's grabbing me hard, and my testacles are delicate.

"Stop worrying, Edward. I'm not due for two more weeks. What could possibly happen?"

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**Thanks for the great response to the last outtake. Sorry about the lack of review replies. Cosmo has me working overtime on her 57688997 fics. Please leave a review anyway because they make my day.**

**Gracias to Caren who pinch beta'd for me. I owe you a frosty margarita.**

**Thank you to Dr. Raina who answered questions about c-sections. Any mistakes about anything medical are my own, however. And please don't point them out. I don't really GAF. None of this is realistic. **

**Everything is for my dearest soulmate, Cosmogirl7481. I celebrate your birth year round. Mostly because it takes me that long to write this shiz.**


	6. Chapter 6

**So this is a response to a convo I had on twitter with ? (I don't remember - someone remind me) about Soccerdadward. **

**If only.**

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"So your team is undefeated, Ed?" Emmett says over the noise of the crowded restaurant (he could probably speak over the noise of a large helicopter, but that's Emmett).

"No thanks to my assistant," I reply. Emmett laughs because he knows it irritates me. Well, in fairness, everything he does irritates me.

He turns to the twins, "You guys must be even better than your dad. And I taught him everything he knows."

I snort. It's an unattractive habit I've picked up thanks to Emmett.

"We're awesome, Uncle Em! You have to come and see us," Heath chimes in excitedly.

"Yeah, and bring Ella," says Benjamin. "You'll come, right Ella?" he whispers to her. Bella gives Rose a huge smile as they watch my sons stare at Emmett and Rose's daughter. I have no clue as to what is going on...but I know I don't like it.

"He's not your uncle, boys. You share no blood or DNA-" I explain, only to be interrupted.

"Edward-" Bella starts. I know that look. But it's extremely important to explain everything clearly to our sons. Especially to let them know that we in no way share any genetic traits with Emmett.

"I'm even better than your uncle, boys, I'm a bad-ass-mother-fu-"

"Emmett!" Rosalie yells.

"Well, shit, I didn't actually mean the twins' mother, because that would be sick...not that you're not hot, Bella...you know your body looks even better after the kids-"

"Hey," I warn. I don't like him talking about my wife's body. That's mine. Not literally, but I have tacit permission to use it at will.

And I do.

I give Bella a look of my own, and run my fingers along the inside of her thigh under the table. The resulting gaze is much more promising.

I hear Emmett mumbling something about "milk" and "nice rack," but I don't really pay attention because Bella is really soft and smooth there.

"For the love of all things, shut the hell up, Em," Rosalie says finally. It makes sense that she could decipher his ramblings. She really should get an award for putting up with him. Or a mental health facility named in her honor.

"What? I wasn't going to use the 'F-word' or anything. Sheesh. I know better. I wouldn't be able to 'eff' you if I did."

"What's the F-ward?" my sons ask. All the adults give dirty looks to Emmett. Who grins. Of course.

Ella answers - because all of the adults are silent, "Daddy says it stands for 'fart' and it's rude to say that in front of people, so he says 'eff.'"

The boys nod, like this makes sense. Only Emmett's logic is on par with small children.

"And Daddy says that he really loves to 'eff' with Mommy. Because he really loves her. And she does it the best." Ella looks really proud as she looks between her mother and father.

Emmett is torn between laughing and looking contrite. He's sort of coughing at this point.

Rosalie looks dumbfounded. Honestly, I don't know if I should pity her or offer her asylum. She settles for picking up Garrett out of his booster. Luckily, both of their children look like they have received Rosalie's dominant genes. I had given her a report I wrote about genes and heredity, but I'm guessing she never read it since she decided to go through with a second child of Emmett's. I guess I shouldn't say it's luck...Darwin did explain natural selection.

"Hey, at least I said you were the best. Don't I get credit for that?" Emmett says.

Bella cuts in because she's good at diffusing awkward situations. She's had lots of practice - considering my family and friends. The number of times we've caught them 'eff'-ing...well, it's disturbing.

"So, yeah, the soccer team is really great. The kids are so cute. And we have _lots _of team moms who want to help out." She rolls her eyes at this. "Especially help out the coaches. Honestly, the only mom not perving on Edward is Alice. Because that's gross and she's perving on Jasper."

Ugh, Jasper. My "assistant" coach. Alice had this great idea to put Dalai on the soccer team with the twins and have Jasper help out with coaching. Again, I need to stress the benefits of natural selection when I think of my niece and her paternal DNA provider. She is the epitome of a competitor, like her mother, while her father...well, let's just say there's a lot more playing with "grass" now that he's around. He mostly meditates and cheers for the other team to promote harmony. And don't get me started on his "athletic gear." It's too bad Nike doesn't make caftans.

He has a brightly colored rock around his neck instead of a whistle.

What a coach.

Rosalie's comment to Bella's statement takes me away from my thoughts of my...brother-in-law. It's been over eight years and it's still hard to say that out loud.

"You wouldn't even believe it, Rose. One of the moms actually wore a sports bra and booty shorts to practice."

"Nice. Is she hot?" Emmett says and is quickly silenced with a look from Rosalie.

"And here I am six months post baby..." Bella continues. "I wanted to cut her. And that's not the worst of it."

"First of all, you're perfect, Bella. And secondly, why would you want to injure one of the moms? They've all been very supportive - offering to help us with practice and all of the games since we have a small baby." I gesture to Bennet, who starts fussing as soon as I say this. I reach over and take him out of his carrier. He quiets down as soon as he sits on my lap. "And Seth's dads are really nice," I add.

"Yes, Edward. _Dads_. Plural. They really like when you and Jasper lead the stretching in your running shorts," Bella and Rosalie giggle.

"Told you that the Pilates was good for your ass...ets, Ed," Emmett says. At least he attempts to control the language.

I ignore him. "What about Victoria, James's mom? She is very obliging."

Rosalie and Bella both snort. "Edward. She offered to wash your balls." Bella says.

"Ball maintenance is key to effective practice," I assert. "She also offered to keep them inflated to their proper pressure."

"Yeah, keeping your balls full is going to help the team," she retorts.

"I think she really cares about maintaining all your equipment, Dr. DILF," Rosalie chimes in, and they both start laughing. I redden because I know this phrase. They've used it before to describe me and my father...before the grand kids. Now he's Dr. GILF. And loves it. I find it offensive. I don't fuck anyone...unless its Bella and she's asked for it. You know...hard. Sometimes we spice it up a bit. You know, in the hot tub...or up against the elevator door.

"What's DILF?" Ben asks. "Is that a medical specialty?" Again, we all look around awkwardly, caught using inappropriate terms in front of the children. I really need to do some research on this subject. Too bad most books on this subject are written by psychologists and therefore unscientific and unreliable. Maybe I should work on that. I can probably get it published.

Emmett tries to help out by answering Ben's question. "DILF is short for 'dad who likes to fart.'" Oh, wonderful. But it's better than the actual meaning.

Ben looks skeptically at his brother and then Emmett. "I don't think that's correct. One, my dad doesn't fart, two, that's an inaccurate acronym." I smile proudly at my son's analysis.

"So our dad isn't a DILF," Heath adds.

Ella smiles and adds proudly, "But mine is."

"That's my girl."

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Saturday is bright and sunny as we load our three kids into our SUV. Bella refused to get a minivan, so I did some research on vehicle safety (though she didn't watch my entire presentation), and she approved the purchase. She said she didn't want to be a soccer mom. We had a small argument when I told her that was exactly what she was, but after the make-up sex everything was fine. Well, wonderful really. Sometimes I think she picks little fights with me for that purpose, but I don't know for sure. I do know we had a great make-up session on top of the dryer after I forgot to put in dryer sheets. I don't think she was actually concerned about static cling.

It takes a while to load our gear and strap the boys into their ergonomic car seats, but safety comes first. Of course this is is all accounted for in my schedule. As the coach, I need to be there early to set up the nets and get ready for the game, so I need to be prepared.

Especially since my assistant coach will probably be talking to the butterflies.

I'm sure I'll have plenty of help today. The moms (and dads) are always offering to do anything to help me. I really don't know what Bella is talking about. These parents are very helpful. Plus, my whole family is coming to watch. Along with Emmett and Rosalie. So we will have quite a crowd. Hopefully everyone will behave themselves. I don't want to end up on the news.

After unloading the stroller, diaper bag, snacks, and athletic gear we're ready to set up for the game. We're actually ahead of schedule because I pad my timeline to allow for unexpected events. Like vomiting or bathroom stops (all part of having three boys under six years old). I learned that after the twins had the stomach flu. I spent a fortune detailing the SUV (and replacing the carpet) after Bella didn't let me sell it. But I learned from that experience and now have a bio-hazard bag. I just need to get Bella to cooperate and wear the mask.

"Morning, brother," Alice says happily as we reach the field. Rose and Emmett and their kids arrive just after us. Bella greets everyone and goes with Rosalie and the little guys to the sidelines to set up the chairs and umbrella.

"Good morning, Uncle Edward," Dalai says. "I'm ready for the big game."

"Hello, Dalai," I answer. Emmett snickers and starts singing "Hello, Dolly." Yeah, Emmett. No one is tired of that joke. Even Nana Cullen gets irritated and she really liked that musical.

"Uncle Emmett, stop!" Dalai whines.

"He's not your uncle, Dalai. You share no gen-"

"I know, Uncle Edward. I'm merely using the term as a form of endearment. I remember what you told me."

I smile at my niece who runs over to talk to the team. She definitely shares genetic material with me.

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I'm attaching the net when one of the moms comes over to see what I'm doing. "Hello there, Coach," she says with enthusiasm. She must really enjoy soccer, because she's always smiling and winking. "Can I help you with that net? I don't mind getting dirty or on my knees. Or both."

See? She really cares about the equipment. I remind myself to tell Bella so I can prove my point.

"No thank you, Victoria. But I appreciate your offer."

"Maybe later?"

"Yes, that's possible." She looks thrilled. Wow. She must be quite a volunteer. "You can break down the frame after the game and put it in the shed. I bet Seth's dads will help you."

I'm almost done setting up. I start to perspire so I take off my sweatshirt. Vicky makes a strange strangled sound, and I ask her if she's hurt. She blinks and walks off when I wipe the sweat off my brow with the hem of my t-shirt.

Yeah, she's a little strange.

I'm glad I can understand Bella. I know what she wants, and I give it to her. Sometimes repeatedly.

When I'm done I go over to the rest of team.

"Greetings, brother," Jasper says. I refrain from reminding him that we're not actually brothers. Last time he went into a tirade about some spiritual nonsense about everyone being brothers. I just don't have the time or patience. I also don't comment on the fact that he's wearing track pants and a "my body is a temple" t-shirt. This is actually a big improvement. If he'd just take off the rock from around his neck, he'd look almost normal. "Everyone is here, shall I start the warm ups?"

"No, I'm ready to start." I definitely don't want him to "organize" the players. He won't even line them up or have them count the jumping jacks. Something about "confining dogmas" and "negative karma." So...I have to do everything except lead the team cheers.

He's good at chanting.

While we're doing warm-ups, my parents arrive wearing matching jerseys with all the grandchildren's names on them. They have a wagon full of tailgate paraphernalia. Apparently they think we're playing in the World Cup.

Emmett helps my dad set up the canopy and the other outdoor furniture that he's obviously just purchased for this specific day. Even Victoria pitched in to help them, until Rosalie and Bella made her sit somewhere else (there was a minor scuffle). My mother has set up a buffet (don't ask) and Emmett is wearing a "Soccer DILF for Hire" shirt. They've invited all the team's parents into their party. I think they even have a blender for drinks.

I remind Bella to keep an eye out for any sexual hijinx. I meant it when I said I didn't want to end up on the news. I wouldn't be shocked if one or more of those couples snuck off into the bushes for a quickie.

That's not what I'm referring to when I talk about "taking one for the team."

We win our game six to zero.

Bella stops my parents and Alice and Jasper (not at the same time, obviously) from public indecency. They get irked when Bella and I kiss (there's tongue and groping involved - she really likes me in athletic pants) and call us hypocrites (not accurate because there's no actual penetration).

So...it's a very normal afternoon.

For us.

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**AN:**

**Freals, why don't any soccer dads actually look like Rob? It's a travesty.**

**Thanks for reading. We love hearing all your comments. **

**Check out Cosmogirl7481's new story: **_**No Measure of Time. **_**She updates daily, and it's really good. **


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